I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Randomize
