You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
