Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I can't put those talents on a resume
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
