im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
