wanna go halves on a baby?
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
