Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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