I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
