He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
