I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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