why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
