you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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