I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Randomize
