i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
