Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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