woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
