i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Randomize
