Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Randomize
