I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
