How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
