she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
