my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
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