I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
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