birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
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