totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
