SEEEEXXX PLEASE
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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