if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
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