The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
