she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
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