We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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