Just fell off a train. Bad.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
