the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Randomize
