Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
