Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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