I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
