i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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