i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
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