if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
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