you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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