and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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