you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
