my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Randomize
