Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
