I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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