Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
