just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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