apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
