I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
