So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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