I am in a vortex of obligation.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
