drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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