Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
